After the birth of my baby, I realised that conversations with my husband mostly revolved around caring for this new life. Although that was totally understandable, I found myself missing how it used to be just the two of us, and even caught myself getting jealous about how he seemed to talk more to baby than to me. (Let’s just blame that on the hormones, shall we?)
I discovered that that’s the experience of many couples as well. Often when the little ones come along, our relationship with our spouse may take a backseat for the time being. And before we know it, we may be feeling distant from our other half. The sleep deprivation and hormonal mood swings during this season often do nothing to help with the situation as well.
However, I believe that safeguarding our relationship with our spouse is so important if we want to build a strong family and raise our children well. If you’re wondering how to spend time as a couple after the arrival of your little one(s), here are some tips gathered from my own experience and the experiences of others around me.
1. Manage your expectations
Spending time with your other half may not be the same as during the pre-baby days you shared together, so try to adjust your expectations to suit your current season of life. Focus on quality time and not simply quantity. A little goes a long way – make the most of any time you have together and intentionally show each other affection. We’re sure your spouse wouldn’t mind some extra hugs and kisses!
2. Get someone to help take care of baby for a couple of hours
It could be a trusted friend or neighbour, a family member, or a babysitter. Or you can even take turns with another couple to look after each other’s kids while the parents get some time off on their own. Try to do something you can’t do with your baby around, it definitely adds to the “excitement” of things. My husband and I got my in-laws over to look after our baby after we had put her to bed, and sneaked out for a movie at the cinema! Heading out for a movie seemed to be such a normal thing we did during our dating days. But with a young baby, it felt like a luxury. Our mini adventure also became a treasured memory for us as we recall how we rushed back home right before baby woke up crying.
3. Schedule time together, even at home
We know how tough it can be in the early days of raising a child, with the lack of sleep and seemingly endless things to do for the baby and around the house, but know that it's worth it to make time for your spouse. Scheduling a time to talk or to be intimate doesn't make it less meaningful or romantic.
For me and my husband, we would schedule a time every week (when baby is asleep) to just have a chat about how we are – our experiences as new parents, what we are stressed about or struggling with, what we appreciate about each other, and what we're thankful about. I remember having to resist the temptation to do the 101 things on my to-do list, but to really be present in the conversation. We also made it a point to not only talk about the baby, but to focus the conversation on us as individuals and as a couple.
4. Find reasons to celebrate your relationship
Recently, my husband and I saw that a couple we know had just celebrated 500 days of marriage. In our curiosity, we decided to find out (aka Google) how many days it has been since we got married, and it turned out to be exactly 1000 days! We had an impromptu "celebration" by staying up late that night for supper (at home), and it was really fun simply because we did something out of the norm! Honestly it could have been 873 days of marriage or other seemingly insignificant number and it’d still be worth celebrating. So go ahead and find reasons to celebrate your relationship as husband and wife!
5. Have some “me” time
You may be wondering how this counts as a tip for spending couple time. But often we underestimate how important it is to take care of yourself so you have something to pour into your relationship with your spouse. Sometimes couples start fighting and keeping score because they are just too exhausted and haven’t cared for themselves in awhile.
6. Be busy together
If your spouse has to rush a work report or settle some urgent matters when you were hoping to spend some time together, why not get yourself busy too? Definitely not the best tip here but I’ve found that sometimes I enjoy getting the time to do my own stuff too, like watching an episode of the K-drama that my husband wasn’t interested in anyway. Of course, this should be a rare exception rather than the norm.
Ultimately, communication is key. If you’re feeling lonely, overwhelmed, resentful, or anything else, share with your spouse instead of bottling it up and allowing it to cause a rift in your relationship. And if you’re feeling thankful for your other half, don’t keep it to yourself either – make time to express it in words and action!
Written by A's Mommy, co-founder of Toddle 'n' Doodle.